Listen―we are all on our best behavior while dating and building a new relationship. Of course we want to put our best foot forward! Who wouldn't? It's not that we are totally fake when dating (although there are some real manipulative fakers and f**kers out there), but that we actively strive to make a good impression, so we aren't exactly exposing our whole messy selves.
That is, until we feel like we've "got them." That's not my phrase. It's one I hear from lots of women...and I really don't like it. I don't like it because we never "have" anyone. Genuine relationships aren't about trapping someone into ownership. They're about agreements and choices.
The most fulfilling relationships we have are those in which we stay together because we agree that we want to. And because we each choose to stay, over and over again. And because we both work at keeping ourselves and the partnership thriving...not because we feel trapped or obligated. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be with someone who really doesn't want to be with me.
There's a tender vulnerability and a deeper level of intimacy available through knowing that we each have the freedom to choose, every day, to stay committed to each other...or not. We pay more attention. We are more sensitive. We don't get lazy about ourselves, our love, or how we share them.
A mistake many of my clients make is believing that monogamy or marriage is a relationship guarantee. There are no guarantees in relationships, not even married ones, because people change and so do situations, all the time. Change is a constant state of this reality. There's no way around it. Everything eventually changes by decision, or death. If the changes in a relationship aren't dealt with as a unified team so that all parties feel fulfilled, problems arise. But I digress...
If you're tired of messy and painful relationship cycling, the way past it is to take space and time between relationships to heal and evolve inside. If you keep searching for the answer outside, you won't find it and will continue to hurt. Who cares what your ex chooses to do or how their life looks? That's not your concern. Your concern is your life. Focus on what you choose to do to evolve yourself and your relationships for the long term. That's when you'll start seeing the results you want in your life.
One more thing: Conflict and challenge will arise in any relationship, especially intimate ones. I don't care how wonderful it is or how amazing our partner is. Relationships, by design, show us a very clear reflection of our deeper, more hidden selves (through our partner's eyes), and where our quirks and painful places are. Being able to clearly see these things, and having a willingness to face them, allows us to evolve past them.
What I know is that we can't change what we can't see, and we never see ourselves as clearly as others do. Our psyche is too tricky for that. Yet relationships give us an opportunity to see our wounds, strategies, and fears more clearly, to heal, to open our closed places, and to grow in our capacity for sharing unbiased love.
The trick is learning how to do this without losing ourselves or getting screwed in the process, especially for those who are energetically sensitive...and that's what the HELP journey does for you, FYI.