top of page

The problem with "If you valued me, you would..."

In a recent conversation with a friend, she said: "And if you had valued me, you would have ____."

I paused. I had to consider how to respond. This is how our mind works when driven by our subconscious psyche, when we don't do what it takes to "empty the trash" that lives in there, born of our past experiences and wounds. It generates and cycles stories, most of which are based on assumptions, aren't true, and/or don't apply.

I had to gently clarify that my choice wasn't about how much I valued HER. It was about how much I valued ME. It had to do with where we draw the line between ourselves and the other. That can be a tricky line to draw sometimes...

It takes courage. We risk letting go of things we may enjoy. We struggle to release something good to go for something great, fearful that we won't find anything better than what we have, even if it's not great. Not everyone is willing. For some, the risk feels too big. And for many, we are conditioned to settle for "this is good enough" because we doubt ourselves and our worth or value just as we are.

In the highest order of things, we must genuinely love ourselves enough to honor our boundaries, so we know how to genuinely love others and honor their boundaries, too. Because we can't share what we don't already have.

Plus, if we don't honor our boundaries, no one else will either. Why would they when they can have their way with us? When we are willing to sacrifice our truth for their happiness or acceptance? When we willingly hand over our power and sovereignty to them?

This is something that comes up often with my clients because women in particular are taught to put everyone else first, and that if we don't, we are selfish. Yet this is error thinking. Honoring ourselves is self-aware, not selfish, because neglecting ourselves compromises our ability to show up in our full power and sovereignty for whoever and whatever arises, and leaves us vulnerable in all the wrong ways.

As we deepen into genuine compassion and love for ourselves, we deepen into genuine compassion and love for others, too. Relating to ourselves and others from a place of deep, genuine compassion and love is how we cultivate personal power or fortitude, sovereignty, and integrity. It's also how we move ourselves into a higher frequency of being, but it can't be faked. It has to be genuinely cultivated.

3 views0 comments


bottom of page