What's love got to do with it?

Dating is a pain in the ass, isn't it? We are all on our best behavior while dating and building a new relationship. Of course we want to put our best foot forward. Why wouldn't we? It's not that we are totally fake when dating (although there are some real manipulative fakers and f*ckers out there), but that we actively strive to make a good impression, so we aren't exactly exposing our whole messy selves.

That is, until we feel like we've got them—the person we want to impress and maybe marry. I've got them is a lie we tell ourselves to calm fears of being left alone. But no one ever truly has anyone, not even in a marriage. Relationships and marriage aren't about trapping someone into ownership. They're about choosing to commit ourselves to someone, share our time and love with them, and prioritize them in our lives.

Our most fulfilling partnerships are those in which we commit to each other because we want to. We choose to hold each other through all the inevitable changes life brings. And we choose to keep ourselves and our partnership thriving...not because we feel trapped or obligated but because we feel compelled to by love. What's the point of being with someone we don't want to be with or who doesn't want to be with us?

There's a tender vulnerability and a deeper level of intimacy available through knowing that every new day we have the freedom to choose to stay committed to each other...or not. We pay more attention. We are more sensitive. We don't get lazy about ourselves, our love or how we share them.

An easy mistake to make is believing that monogamy or marriage is a relationship guarantee. There are no guarantees in relationships, not even married ones, because people and situations change all the time. Change is a constant state of this reality. There's no way around it. Everything eventually changes by decision or death. If the natural changes within relationships aren't attended to and dealt with through the lens of shared love as a unified team, it's hard to maintain equilibrium and fulfillment, making it easier for problems to arise.

To avoid messy and painful relationship cycling, take space and time between relationships to heal and evolve inside. If we keep searching for answers outside, we won't find it and will continue to hurt inside. Who cares what our ex chooses to do or how their life looks? That's not our concern. Our concern is our life—focusing on what we choose to do to evolve ourselves and the quality of our relationships for the long term. That's when we can start seeing the results we want in our lives.

We all know that conflict and challenge are a part of our relationships, especially intimate ones. It doesn't matter how wonderful it is or how amazing our partner is. By design, relationships reflect to us our deeper, more hidden selves through our partner's eyes along with where our quirks and painful places are. Seeing these things reflected in the dynamics of our relationships is what allows us to own them and take steps to heal what's ready to be healed.

That's because we can't change what we can't see, and we don't see ourselves as clearly as others do. Our psyche is too tricky for that. Relationships give us an opportunity to see our tender places, our strategies, fears and strengths more clearly, to heal, to open our closed places and to grow in our capacity for sharing pure love.

Remember if we change nothing, nothing changes.