Amping up success at our resolutions

The dreams we hold

Did you start off the new year emboldened to meet a goal you've dreamed about forever? Do you have a vision with a clear sense of the outcome you want? Are you determined to get it done this year, only to notice a few weeks in that you lose steam and watch your goal slip away yet again?

It's curious. Everyone I know—myself included—has been down that road more times than we care to count. It's disappointing to think about and yet despite the disappointment, a thread of our optimism and determination remain intact, just waiting for another chance to try.

What happens? What stops us?

Sometimes we get tired of feeling like our dreams are always out of reach no matter how hard we try. It's frustrating to put so much energy into making things happen, only to miss our mark in the end. Despite bringing our best to all we do, it's discouraging to never reach the level of success we desire.

But what if our approach is all wrong?

What if it's not our effort but our approach that's not working? What if it's not that we aren't trying hard enough or putting enough energy into our goal? What if it's how we're doing it instead?

It seems true that changing things on the outside without changing them on the inside doesn't get us where we want to go. We may be able to achieve short-term gains that way, but not sustained ones, and it's the sustained gains we're after. Focusing on short-term gains generally sets us up to default back into old habits that don't work, especially when we face a new challenge.

An example of an outside change is like hiding our truth to avoid an argument with someone. It may keep things calm in the moment (i.e. avoid an argument), yet we will suffer in the long run and so probably will they. Turning that into an inside change would require us to recognize that our presence and our truth matter, and find a way to honor and share it even when doing so leads us into unknown territory. Whereas avoiding an argument may provide us short-term relief, learning to honor our truth is something that will sustain our empowerment in the long term. If someone close to us does not want to honor our presence or truth, or if we feel we must hide those things to stay safe or be loved, there are bigger concerns to address in our relationship dynamics than avoiding an argument.

Short-term gains vs. short-term goals

There's a difference between a short-term gain and a short-term goal. Short-term gains are things we do that make us feel good in the moment but don't serve us in the long term...like eating a bowl of ice cream to satisfy our emotional state when we are trying to lose weight. Short-term goals are small steps we take to reach a long-term outcome...like limiting how often we default to ice cream for emotional relief and choosing new behaviors that align with our desired weight loss outcome.

So what do we do? How can we break free and succeed?

Mahatma Gandhi, the Indian lawyer, politician, and social activist who successfully led India's movement for independence from British rule using non-violent protest, once said: "Be the change you wish to see in the world." He was a living example of that by never resorting to violence himself and encouraging his supporters to do the same.

Gandhi's wisdom suggests that one way to break old habits and reach our goals is to internally align ourselves with actions that reflect that goal. In psychology the term for a mismatch of ideas within ourselves—ideas that cause enough tension to encourage change—is called cognitive dissonance. In cognitive dissonance our will, heart and mind are not aligned, leaving us feeling unclear and uncertain as to what to do. I write more about this in my 2013 book The Six Sacred Gifts.

The distinction here is that when our will, heart and mind are aligned in a unified direction, that's when our energy lines up, distractions fall away and it's easier to take steps toward lasting change. This requires more than commitment. It requires self-awareness and devotion to our new vision.

Gandhi led large-scale independence movements in India for over 20 years before succeeding at his goal. It likely won't take us that long to reach ours, but we are less likely to succeed if our will, heart, and mind are pulling us in different directions. Change may not happen as quickly as we'd like it to but every step we take in alignment with our goal is another step closer to living it.

There are a few things we can do to help the process along. First and foremost is recognizing that we're talking about personal transformation, and when we talk about personal transformation, patience and compassion—particularly with ourselves—is paramount. We won't get very far without them.

A helpful roadmap

Beyond that, this five-step roadmap does a decent job of moving things in the right general direction. Read through it slowly and with focus. Put distractions aside. Connect your full presence with what you read. Consider how you might open to each step in service to manifesting your desires.

Step 1: Get to know yourself. I mean, really know yourself. Not just the superficial reflective perspective of yourself, but your deepest self, your truest self, your hidden and secret self. How do you do this? Meditation is one great way. Therapy or counseling is another. Shamanic healing is another. Spending time connected with nature is yet another. Service is perhaps another. And if you really want to play ball, take on a worthy project that disturbs your sense of comfort and challenges your status quo. These activities are gateways out of the psychic traps of our mind that keep us stuck so we can peer behind the curtain and see a new truth. Until we do so, we won't be very effective at changing our lives the way we want to.

Step 2: Stay a learner. As soon as we think we know something, we've closed the door to our personal growth and spiritual maturing. It's also true that when we close our mind and heart to new information, we trap ourselves in an "echo chamber" filled with egoic pride and a host of social conditioning. This effectively destroys our capacity to connect with life in a genuine way. As it turns out, the saying there's always room to grow is actually true. Until we are all enlightened masters, we have lots of room to grow.

Step 3: Devote to a spiritual practice. Dedicating ourselves to a spiritual growth practice such as meditation strengthens our inner constitution across the board, making it easier for us to navigate the challenges in our lives with more presence and grace. We naturally and gradually mature through our experiences in this life, but we do so even more powerfully when we engage in a practice that is designed to help us along our journey of spiritual awakening. Taking on such a practice transmutes inner obstacles and opens divine doorways we don't generally have access to otherwise.

Step 4: Stick with it long term. It's inevitable that when we take on a new practice or habit for the long haul, we pretty quickly hit resistance. Resistance is what strengthens our resolve toward mastery of whatever it is we're doing. In the kundalini tradition, we call this "Shakti Pad." It's a thing, and an important part of the transformative process we're in. If we cave to our resistance, we stay stuck in our old ways. But every time we push ourselves through the resistance, we gain back some energy to keep going and strengthen our resolve. Successfully overcome resistance enough times and we stabilize our inner constitution to more gracefully and confidently meet the challenges that are inevitably a part of reaching our goals. Every time we master one of those challenges, we make our journey that much easier and fortify our devotion.

Step 5: Ditch self-judgement. Personal development and spiritual maturation are life-long endeavors, not something we accomplish and then check off our "to do" list. Most of us don't suddenly become enlightened beings because we took a year-long spiritual workshop or spent our summer hiking in the woods. These practices are catalysts, to be sure, but there is no end to the path of the soul's evolution. There is always more to learn and refine.

Remember Step 2? Don't slip into self-judgement because you cussed out the driver who cut you off in traffic or caved into your old eating habits, for instance. Just make note, recommit to your goal, and restart your endeavors. That will get you farther faster than shaming yourself into a state of self-loathing or rejection over it. No one is perfect because there is no "pinnacle of perfection." As soon as we master one thing, we find another waiting just beyond it that we couldn't see, no matter what we are endeavoring to do.

So rest into the flow of the journey, celebrate your wins, and use your resistance and any slip-ups to recommit yourself to the powerful and empowering change you dream of creating in your life.

Happy Trails!