You won't find what you're looking for there

When the relationship road we are walking along comes to an end, it feels devastating. We feel devastated. "Why?" we ask, "why can't we work this out after all these years together. Isn't it worth it? Aren't I worth it? How could they do this to me?"

It's personal, or at least it feels personal. We may feel rejected, discarded, undervalued, betrayed and hurt. We question ourselves and our worth. We blame ourselves, desperately wishing we'd done things differently...not said that thing, not reacted in that way, been more open during that encounter, as if any of that would have made much difference.

It might have, but we were not the only player in the partnership. It takes two to make a relationship work and to keep it healthy, fulfilling and thriving, not one. One person cannot hold a relationship together.

Finding ourselves alone (again) can feel disheartening and discouraging. It stirs up fear of being along forever. Nobody wants that. We long for connection and intimacy and companionship. We crave the comfort of a "comrade in arms" to be there and support us through life's ups and downs, not because they have to or feel obligated to but because they want to.

The problem is that we seek that comrade in the wrong place—outside of ourselves. Until we are that person for ourselves, we may live our lives feeling less than whole, unloved, undervalued and alone. It's through the journey of learning genuine self-love that we find what our heart seeks most.

We've all heard about "self-love" and how essential it is for relationships. Yet many women confuse self-love with selfishness when the two are very different. It is true that without this foundational piece in place, our relationships can struggle and we may continue to suffer too. Find more about self-love in the book After A Breakup HELP where we take a deep dive into growing it.

Learning how to genuinely love ourselves puts us into a more evolved state of awareness and sets us onto a different game board in life where the tools and norms are more emotionally and spiritually healthy. And that is when our life can really begin to change for the better.

Remember if we change nothing, nothing changes.