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MY NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE
What I will share about my near death experience (NDE) is that it was an answer to my prayers. Yep, I prayed all the way to work that morning, asking for something more. I was raised Catholic, but by then I had moved beyond that tradition. I told God, or the Divine Supreme Source of all that is, that I was done with the struggle and the heartache in life, that I felt complete in what I'd already experienced, and that I either wanted to die and go home, or be shown what was next for me to do here.
I also prayed that if there was something more for me to do, to show me clearly because I didn't want to keep doing what I was doing. It was too hard and painful, and I was terribly unhappy, even though I'd done everything society said would lead to happiness.
I'd worked and studied hard my whole life, gone to college, chosen a career field, worked and studied my ass off some more to get a PhD in my field, and then gave all I had to my job. I was in a long-term relationship, but it was strained. My position as a school psychologist was stressful and thankless, and the salary sucked so didn't feel worth it.
My body was tired, my spirit was drained...I worked from 7:30 a.m. to 10:30 p.m. daily just to keep up with the demands of the job, which left no space or energy for anyone or anything else. It's no wonder that my relationship and mood suffered. I was disillusioned and felt cheated in life. I was burnt out, miserable, exhausted, and done with the inner struggle.
My drive to work was about a 30 minute commute on the back roads of the Texas hill country. It was beautiful land, and every morning I used the time to ground my energy, clear my head, open my heart, and prepare myself for what I knew would be a super stressful day. This particular day I would check in at the central office of the school district I worked for in town, and then head out to a couple of campuses on the western edge of the district several miles away for the day. At the end of the day, I had to return to the central office by 4:30 p.m. to pick up some forms from parents that I needed to complete reports at home later that night.
On my commute back to the central office that afternoon, the accident happened. It was designated a "high-impact, head-on collision" because the vehicle that veered into my lane and collided with me was going 65 mph and I was going 45 mph, so the impact was 110 mph. The teen driver was in an old Ford F-150 pickup and I was in a small Toyota Corolla, pre-airbag days, so I got creamed.
The windshield and windows of my car blew out, the interior imploded, and the entire hood and front end crushed in so far that it was about 2 inches away from decapitating me. Had I not been wearing a seatbelt, I would have been splattered on the windshield of his truck, dead. I believe that it is literally by the Grace of God that I survived that accident.
My body and mind went into shock. When my car stopped spinning, all I heard in my head was one statement over and over again: "Get out of the car. Get out of the car. Get out of the car..." I raised my head from the steering wheel it was plastered in and tried to open my door, which was jammed. I rocked my body side to side (because there was no room to do anything else) so the left side of my body bounced against it, hoping it would open, and miraculously, it popped open. I stepped out of the car and tentatively stood up. Blood gushed from my nose and I held up my hands beneath it to catch the blood from hitting the ground. I have no idea why.
Looking down at the ground, I realized I was standing somewhere on the road. I was completely disoriented, yet had enough sense to walk until I was standing on grass. I figured that way, at least I was off of the roadway. I was standing in the grass somewhere, still holding my hands under my nose, when a woman ran over to me and told me to lay down. She placed my head in her lap and said reassuring things to me. I wish to this day that I knew who she was so I could hug her and thank her.
Another woman ran up and asked me if there was someone she could call. I mumbled something about my purse in my car and my wallet. She came back and asked me again. I don't know why. I felt myself fading. I managed to tell her my partner's name and number, and then struggled to get my parent's name and number off my lips before I went unconscious. As I felt my energy leaving my body, I wondered if I was dying, and two thoughts arose. The first was, "I may be dying. So THIS is what it feels like! It's not so bad..." and the second was, "Mom and Trisha (my partner) are going to be so sad."
In the moments that followed, I was fully aware that there was an injured body "down there," my body, waiting for me to return to it or not, to live or to die. I could see it and the surrounding scene clearly from far above where my awareness hovered, watching. I saw cars jammed up everywhere and people running around in the drizzling rain trying to stop the cars on the roadway. I could hear tires screeching and voices shouting. I saw the woman who held my head in her lap, and I felt her love and nervousness. I saw the young man who held a yellow-colored umbrella over us to keep us dry, and felt his nervousness too.
The scene below was chaotic, but I was drifting quietly upward to a peaceful place. I felt so light and free, like a cloud floating gingerly in the vastness of an empty sky. I was happy to go, and marveled at how easy dying was.
At some point I drifted in infinite space, completely detached from what was happening below, and surrounded by what seemed like blankness rather than darkness. All was calm and silent. Then I saw a portal of the most majestic translucent light you can imagine ahead of me and to my left. Every part of me down to the depths of my bones wanted to go there, so I floated in that direction.
I have no idea if this is true for anyone else who experiences a NDE, but suddenly from the infinite space around me I heard a female voice. I never saw a being. I just heard the most gentle voice, perhaps the same voice that told me to get out of the car when it stopped spinning. This time it told me I had to go back, that it was not time, and that I wasn't finished. The invisible presence I psychically encountered there in the vastness of formlessness didn't give me a choice of whether or not I returned to my body. I didn't want to return. I was told to return.
I was angry about this. I argued with that presence about it, saying I didn't want to. We went round and round for what felt like several moments about this. I wanted to enter the portal of light I felt and saw there. The feeling it generated was indescribable, and its magnetism strongly attracted me. My entire being yearned to go there. I remember it well, and still yearn for it even today. The feeling of it is as fresh for me now as if it just happened.
In that infinite space and expanded state, I wanted to die to my physical body. I didn't want to live in it anymore. I didn't want that life anymore. I didn't want to live...but I did. So when I found myself back inside my body, hurting all over, struggling to breathe with the EMS worker slapping my cheeks to revive me, I became angry. But there was nothing I could do to go back across the veil in that moment, and I knew it. I would have to wait until it was my time to return.
I found out later that my car was hit several more times by drivers on that roadway while I laid on the ground with my head in that woman's lap, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. And that there were several more accidents in the chaos too. I also learned that it took over an hour for the ambulance to arrive on the scene because of the massive traffic jam that happened as a result. To my psyche, it was but a few minutes time.
It took several months, but eventually I accepted my "walking papers," the directive that my journey was not complete here and that I had more to do before going home to what I now believe is my true home across the veil. Within a year after the accident, I completely changed the trajectory of my life and stepped fully into deep healing of my physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and energy bodies to fulfill my higher purpose, whatever it may be.
That was when I took an even deeper dive into more ancient, nature- and energy- or frequency-based healing traditions and wisdom than I already had. It took a full two years and a lot of healing work across several modalities for me to feel mostly back to myself after that accident. Today over two decades later, I still attend to certain physical issues related to it, but for the most part, I fully recovered. And honestly, I'm just grateful to be alive, which is a far cry from where I was in prayer on the morning of that accident, and from the anger I felt when I realized I'd been sent back when I didn't want to be.
Today, I spend a good deal of time sharing the wisdom I learned through this NDE and the overall healing journey that followed it with other women struggling through a difficult time or a painful loss. My call to service is to awaken women's innate wisdom and power as mine was awakened, to attune them to the flow of their energy as I attuned to my own, and to support them in sharing their soul gifts with the world as I share mine. What better service is there than that?