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Listen―we are all on our best behavior while dating and building a new relationship. Of course we want to put our best foot forward! Who wouldn't? It's not that we are totally fake when dating (although there are some real manipulative fakers and f**kers out there), but that we actively strive to make a good impression, so we aren't exactly exposing our whole messy selves. That is, until we feel like we've "got them." That's not my phrase. It's one I hear from lots of women...and I really don't like it. I don't like it because we never "have" anyone. Genuine relationships aren't about trapping someone into ownership. They're about agreements and choices. The most fulfilling relationships we have are those in which we stay together because we agree that we want to. And because we each choose to stay, over and over again. And because we both work at keeping ourselves and the partnership thriving...not because we feel trapped or obligated. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be with someone who really doesn't want to be with me. There's a tender vulnerability and a deeper level of intimacy available through knowing that we each have the freedom to choose, every day, to stay committed to each other...or not. We pay more attention. We are more sensitive. We don't get lazy about ourselves, our love, or how we share them.  A mistake many of my clients make is believing that monogamy or marriage is a relationship guarantee. There are no guarantees in relationships, not even married ones, because people change and so do situations, all the time. Change is a constant state of this reality. There's no way around it. Everything eventually changes by decision, or death. If the changes in a relationship aren't dealt with as a unified team so that all parties feel fulfilled, problems arise. But I digress...
If you're tired of messy and painful relationship cycling, the way past it is to take space and time between relationships to heal and evolve inside. If you keep searching for the answer outside, you won't find it and will continue to hurt. Who cares what your ex chooses to do or how their life looks? That's not your concern. YOUR concern is YOUR life. Focus on what YOU choose to do to evolve yourself and your relationships for the long term. That's when you'll start seeing the results you want in your life. One more thing: Conflict and challenge will arise in ANY relationship, especially intimate ones. I don't care how wonderful it is or how amazing our partner is! Relationships, by design, show us a very clear reflection of our deeper, more hidden selves (through our partner's eyes), and where our quirks and painful places are. Being able to clearly see these things allows us to evolve past them. What I know is that we can't change what we can't see, and we NEVER see ourselves as clearly as others do. Our psyche is too tricky for that. Yet relationships give us an opportunity to see our wounds, strategies, and fears more clearly, to heal, to open our closed places, and to grow in our capacity for sharing unbiased love. The trick is learning how to do this without losing ourselves or getting screwed in the process, especially for those who are energetically sensitive...and that's what the H.E.L.P. journey does for you, FYI.
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I remember the sinking feeling that washed over me like a cold chill from head to toes when I found out my ex was seeing someone new and was happy. It crushed me. My knees buckled. And I sobbed...for months. That was decades ago, but I still remember it as if it were yesterday. My whole world changed that day. My heart broke. My life ended too, in a way. I was filled with pain and regret. I couldn't imagine ever feeling that way about anyone else again. And I feared that I'd missed my chance at a great, lasting love. I remember saying, "I feel like my life was stolen from me." I said that because it didn't take long before a new woman was happily living with my ex in the house I'd found for us. She was suddenly living the life I wanted and had spent a decade building. I was invested in that life. I still wanted that life. But someone else had it instead. The pain of it was overwhelming. If you're reading this, I imagine you've been there too... After sharing an intimate several years with someone talking about the future and how you envision building a life together, it's beyond painful to see them taking those steps with someone else, someone they haven't known for long. It feels like a slap in the face. We suddenly feel as if in all that time, we never meant anything to them, so easily disposed of and forgotten, discarded like trash. "How can they be so happy with someone else already?" we ask. "Didn't I mean anything to them?" We wonder about this because while we feel devastated by the breakup, they seem untouched by it. They get on with their lives as if we never existed, while we struggle on with deep heartache and pain.  The thing is, it's easy to jump into the dating scene and a new relationship following a breakup. People do it all the time. It's a quick and easy distraction from dealing with anything real...like our feelings, secrets, fears, and hidden pain.
That's what we call an avoidant strategy. An avoidant strategy is anything we do to distract ourselves from dealing with our inner pain. It's a default pattern that's run by our subconscious psyche and our deep wounding. Distraction is one type of avoidant strategy. In the H.E.L.P. program, we take a deep dive into exploring this and other common problematic, subconscious strategies. But for the moment, let's keep our focus on the compulsive dating thing. We all know someone who does it, someone who jumps out of one relationship and right into another pretty quickly. They seem happy, right? We might even feel envious or jealous, thinking about how lucky they are to find love so quickly, and how easy life and happiness seem to be for them. Well let me tall you, my friend, this is NOT love. It's lust! And it actually points to a hard life for them, not an easy one...at least on the inside. Follow the storyline long enough with your ex, and I can almost guarantee you will see the same patterns surface that you experienced with them. They may seem happy now because things are fresh and new, but give it some time to get real, and then watch what happens. You may actually find yourself taking pity on the poor new person because you've walked in their shoes and you know how badly it hurts. New dating and new relationships always look great from the outside because at the beginning of any relationship, the body is rocking with lusty hormones! We feel excited, anticipatory, hopeful, and emotionally uplifted. If our core sense of self is fragile, it's validating and seductive for someone to be attracted to us and show interest in us. Our ego gets a massive stroking, which it loves, especially if it's got the steering wheel of our life. Eventually though, the same old shit (i.e., strategies) hits the fan, and the relief felt in the newness fades. That's because all of that lusty, new relationship energy and excitement is fleeting, not permanent. It's the hormonal honeymoon phase of dating and relationships, and it's real. The body lusts. It's part of our biology. But the hormonal lusty feelings don't last. Once the new relationship energy fizzles, and it WILL because it's a temporary hormonal state, your ex will wind up right back where they started from. The same patterns will eventually arise with anyone new because we all carry our wounds inside and they will show themselves in time. There's no way around it. Then, your ex will lose the hormonal, egoic fix they crave, and that party's over...so they'll move on to the next one. Your journey might not look or feel as fun or pretty as your ex's chronic dating and relating can at the moment, but that's irrelevant. You're going for genuine long-lasting fulfillment, not a temporary fix. You're going for a healthy, sacred partnership that uplifts you and your partner as individuals AND as a couple, through both easy AND challenging times. You're going for a genuine connection and commitment with a person of integrity...or at least that's the case with most women I know, myself included. If you're with us on this, then take new steps to uplift yourself, and put a STOP to the painful story of relationships you're getting caught in. And STOP comparing yourself to anyone else, especially your ex or their new person. And STOP trying to prove anything to anybody else, especially yourself. You've GOT THIS. I know because if I was able to free myself from that struggle, then ANYONE can! Trust me. It's NOT out of reach. It's just a question of choosing a road out, like the one given by my After A Breakup H.E.L.P. program. Once you do, you're just one step away from a whole new life! "How could they move on so quickly when I'm an emotional wreck over our breakup?" I hear this, or some version of it, from clients all the time. And I've said it myself in the past. The thought of our beloved discarding us like trash and replacing us so easily feels terrible. We reflect on all we gave to them and to our relationship. We question if any of it meant anything to them, or if they truly cared about us at all. We get that painful, sinking feeling in our gut that perhaps none of it was what we thought it was. Or worse, that we have no personal value to them or anyone else. And that's when we buckle. The emotional weight of it is just too much to bear, and our heart breaks open. We crumple into tears of hurt, shock, regret, pain, and at some point, anger. Anger at them and anger at ourselves for not seeing it sooner, for not taking better care of ourselves, for putting everything we had into it, only to feel we got nothing real in return.  I am here to say...DON'T take what they do personally. Don't fret if your ex "dates someone else" or "loves someone else" or "marries someone else." I know it's easy to take that personally, because it feels personal, but it's not. The fact that they move on, however quickly, is NOT about you. And the fact that they seem happy without you is also NOT about you.
The thing is, our ex's sense of happiness is about them, just as our sense of happiness is about us. Genuine happiness means our ex can be happy and we can be happy, with or without each other. We don't actually give each other happiness or get happiness from each other. The ideal relationship is one in which we are each spiritually mature enough to share the genuine happiness we already hold inside with each other. Then we enter into a state of uplifting fun, healing, and growth together. It took me a great deal of spiritual work to realize that the real sense of happiness we seek is born on the inside, not something we access on the outside. Until we find our happiness inside—a genuine happiness that's not dependent on external circumstances or conditions to arise—we spend our energy grasping for what we want, pushing away from what we don't want, and suffering because everything changes ALL the time. In this life, things constantly evolve, grow, and change by nature, decision and death. Nothing stays the same for long. So if you cling to what makes you happy on the outside, you will suffer when it changes. Plus, in the highest order of things, none of us can truly be happy until all of us are truly happy. So be happy for other people when they find their happiness, especially those people you say you love. If you genuinely love them, you WANT them to be happy, even if it's without you... I remember how PAINFUL it was for me to hear those words years ago. I was maybe 25 and I literally broke down and sobbed. I'd been through a very painful breakup and was an emotional basket case filled with hurt and regrets. Within weeks, my ex dove into a new relationship with a friend of his, and within months they were engaged. He seemed very happy, and I was devastated. The woman he got involved with was the catalyst that inspired me to end our relationship. I sensed a strong connection between them and wanted to give him the space he needed to be sure of "us" before we made any further commitments to each other, because we'd talked of marriage. I knew it was risky, yet I also needed to be sure that marriage was something we both truly wanted. In my distress, I sought the help of a pastoral minister because it was free and I was a graduate student barely getting by. Her words cut me to the core: "If you love him, don't you want him to be happy, even if it's without you?" The moment she spoke them, I felt both tremendous grief and tremendous opening. It was the oddest sensation I've ever experienced. The thought of releasing him was devastating, yet the thought of him being truly happy was liberating. The moment she said the words, I felt the truth they held. I loved him so deeply, that I really did want him to be happy, even if was without me. As with all things, I believe it worked out best in the end for each of us. Source has a way of holding us to our highest calling, whether we see it at the time or not. In hindsight with a wider, longer view of things, it's easier to see how the threads being woven into the larger tapestry of life serve not only us, but others we cross paths with. Once we "get" that, our entire world view shifts, and the way we relate to life opens up in powerful new ways that bring us an even deeper happiness. Back in the day when I worked in the public school system, I got asked this question more often than you might think by the parents, students, and adults I worked with: "How do I know if this is psychic capacity and not something else?" They worried that it might be an emerging mental or emotional breakdown or illness as opposed to intuition or psychic/energetic sensitivity or a spiritual awakening. Let me tell you, it's not always a simple thing to sort, yet it's also not that hard, either. Usually with a few simple questions, we can begin to reach some clarity. You just have to know what to ask. I've come to believe that humans are born with psychic capacity, and that upon birth, we are wide open vessels of energy flowing through and around us. Consider that as newborns, we can't see clearly and don't understand language. Without clear vision or language, nothing gets "identified" or "labeled" as anything. It's just space with lots of sounds, tastes, colors, motions, smells, and other sensations. We are wide open vessels of energy and love flowing through us, more directly connected to Source and to our infinite nature than at any other time in our human development. As our vision clears and we begin to learn language, that changes. Social conditioning upon our senses is quick and pervasive. A great deal of focus is given to the mind and its thinking capacities, which eventually dominates our psychic and energetic senses. We are conditioned to believe that the mind is our most important faculty and ally for survival and safety. To a certain degree, that's true because we need language and reasoning to interact properly with this reality. Yet, it is also true that thought and language create restrictions and boundaries upon the openness, flow, energy, and psychic perceptions we are born with, as well as on our notions of what's considered "okay" or normal, and what's not. Honestly, I've come to see that one of our greatest hurdles to spiritual awakening is removing all the power we give to our mind and restoring our power to its proper home in our heart—the hub of our intuition and the portal to our infinite wisdom and nature. I've also come to see that we can usually point to at least one experience from childhood in which we had a "psychic" moment, or perhaps felt more directly connected to infinite Source energy, before we got the clear message from those around us that it was unacceptable or unbelievable. As youngsters, our priority is to feel accepted, loved, and that we belong somewhere. To speak of things that are rejected, judged, or dismissed by others puts our sense of safety and survival at risk. So we quickly learn to keep things that others don't accept (such as intuitive knowing, or psychic communication or vision) quiet or hidden, to avoid feeling embarrassed, shunned, shamed, or rejected (unless we are one of the fortunate few who have parents that get it).  Yet, that doesn't mean our capacities don't exist, aren't legit, or just disappear. We just set them aside and they get overridden as we grow up, until such a time comes when it is right or it feels safe for us to examine them and embrace them again. If you look deeply enough, I'm guessing that you can find at least one instance of something more intuitive or psychic you experienced in your childhood, and that you wound up dismissing due to social conditioning...
Maybe you had an invisible friend, ally, or guide. Maybe you communicated with trees, birds, and animals (as I did). Maybe you saw visions or felt waves of future events. Maybe you were visited by strange beings or even ghosts. Or perhaps you had powerful dream experiences. Maybe you heard other people's thoughts or voices in your head. All of these can be signs of strong intuition or inherent psychic capacity. They don't have to mean there is a psychic or emotional break, illness, or breakdown happening, though it is wise to officially rule that out rather than assume anything. As adults, most of us can point to our intuition and psychic capacity in action, like knowing the phone is going to ring before it does, and/or knowing who's calling before we answer. Or feeling a nudge to bring an umbrella with us on a sunny day, only to get caught in a rain shower later. Or sensing that we are going to cross paths with someone from our past moments before we actually do. Or knowing that a loved one is in trouble or has died before it's confirmed. These are intuitive, psychic experiences, not mere coincidences. Everyone I know can point to at least one in their lifetime. Yet the fact that someone can't, doesn't mean they lack the capacity. It just means they've buried it deep inside. Chances are that it will resurface when the time and conditions are right and aligned for them to embrace and honor it. So how do you know if you are energetically sensitive, empathic, or psychic? You know because you are. You are born that way, just like everyone else is. The question to ask is, what blocks you from acknowledging it? If you're still doubtful, examining these questions can help:
If you experience such things, it could mean that your energy field is too permeable or vulnerable. Or that you have invisible cords connecting you to people, places, or things that need to be released. Or that you have hyper-sensitivity from a past trauma wound that is still active. Or that there are ancestral or past life energies asking for healing. These things can be easily dealt with, using the correct techniques. If you have questions, hop over to my "Connect" tab and send me a direct message. I can help you determine what's going on and how to get a handle on it. And remember as always, nothing changes if you change nothing. |
AuthorThis blog offers alternative insights and practical coaching to help restore a sense of personal power and sovereignty in relation to some of life's challenges. Archives
November 2021
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