As humans it's our heart's greatest desire to share love. We crave safe, intimate relationships with others. And when we find someone we think we can have that with, we dive in. So how is it that we fall deeply in love and then later, wind up hurt and alone again? Where does love go?
If you're anything like me, you've been looking for lasting love since you first knew of it. You've read books, taken workshops and may have even gone to counseling or therapy to heal. You've done your absolute best in every relationship you've had, loved more than you could imagine, given it your all...and still you're alone.
So what's happening? What are you doing wrong? Why can't you find the "right" person to share your life with? Grow old with? Where's the missing piece?
Love is the age-old mystery. No one really knows why we fall in love with some people but not others. Or what the magic key is to lasting love. Or why some relationships fail no matter how great it feels or how hard we try. If I had the answers to those questions, I'd be a super kabillionaire!
The fact is there are a lot of theories about such matters but no one really knows with 100% certainty. What we can talk about are the influences on relationships—what factors impact people's behavior and their ability to do things like connect, communicate, show compassion, be intimate and commit (or not).
THE MERRY-GO-ROUND OF LOVE
Most of us want that lasting love, the one we can rest into from now until...well, forever. And when we get into a new relationship that feels good, we think "maybe this will be the one..." meaning the one that lasts. That is our silent hope.
But then some months or years later we find ourselves hurt and alone again, wondering what happened. The merry-go-round of love can be confusing and tiresome! Plus each time it happens, we begin to doubt ourselves and whether lasting love is really possible, at least for us. We see other people who have it, so why not us?
We begin to wonder what's wrong with us. Our self-esteem and confidence drop. If our ex leaves us for someone else, even worse! We begin to question our value and lovability. We slip into anxiety or depression, fearing true love is out of our reach.
We may even give up on love altogether, closing down our hearts believing we must not be worthy of it. And that is the saddest thing in the whole wide world because when you do that, you've given up on yourself.
FINDING LASTING LOVE
As a life coach and mentor who serves women after a breakup, the questions I hear the most from clients are these: Where did our love go? What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?
Yes, love is a mystery but one thing I know for certain is this: love is infinite; you didn't do anything wrong; and there's nothing wrong with you.
The problem I see over and over again is that people mistake a lot of things for love and then get hurt and confused when it "doesn't work out." Since we aren't taught the differences between ego love and authentic love, we fumble around in the ring of ego love thinking we are fighting for authentic love. But in that ring, we can't win because we're playing the wrong game.
Okay so I know another thing for certain and it's this: lasting love starts inside. You can't truly love someone else until you know love inside first. That may sound cliché and like you, I didn't totally get it...until it happened to me.
The difference is in finding love versus knowing love. This may sound like metaphysical jargon but it's an ancient truth that goes way back...way, way back to the time of Jesus. And then way, way back some more to the time of the ancients.
The deal is when you believe in finding love, you spend your whole life seeking for it. You twist and turn yourself into a pretzel trying to get it. And if you think you found it, you twist and turn yourself into a pretzel trying to keep it.
But when you believe in knowing love, you seek for nothing but to experience the love that is already inside of you, your essence, the heart of who you truly are. You aren't bothered with the notion of getting or keeping love because you know you already have it. And when you already have it inside, all you want to do is share it outside.
THE JOURNEY OF LOVE
That is the difference between ego love and authentic love. When we seek to find love, what we get is ego love based in fear. And when we seek to know love, what we get is authentic love based in, well, love. It may sound simple enough but the act of knowing love is anything but simple! In fact it is the journey of a lifetime, the stuff of things like mysticism and awakening and enlightenment.
I will say it's the greatest journey you ever make because the truth is you are already on it. We all are. It's our soul's greatest desire—to know love, to evolve. It's just that we've been going about it all wrong but it's never too late.
What better thing is there to do in life than come to know love? For when we do, the lingering pain, the heartache, the grasping and longing for, the hurt and loneliness cease. We feel whole, fulfilled and happy inside, so much so that we want to share it with the world. Imagine what life would be like then—amazing!
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
Happy New Year! It's a brand new year which means a brand new chance for you to finally reach those resolutions or goals you've been longing for. But how many times have you set resolutions over the years that ultimately went unmet?
I know; I've done it too. That's why I'm sharing these tips with you—tips I know work because I've not only shared them with clients but I use them too after years of trying different things. I know now what was missing then, and I've proven to myself this is a winning combination.
FINDING SUCCESS THIS YEAR
It's not like we can't set resolutions any old time we want, but there's something magical about the new year that opens up a fresh space for us. It just feels good to mark the past, put it behind us and get a new start, especially if this isn't our first go-round with a particular resolution.
Most everyone I know who sets a new year's resolution is all fired up and motivated in January. Not so much in February, and by March or April whatever it was they were doing has drifted away. The diet is dropped, the gym membership forgotten, the art project unfinished, the garage still a mess, the closet not organized, etc.. I'm guilty of this too. So how do we makes this year's resolution different?
WHAT OLD SUCCESS WAS
You've likely heard many tips for success before and I'm not suggesting you throw them out. They are useful but if you're anything like me, you've tried them and still you've fallen short on your resolutions. So I'm here to tell you why.
But first let's run through some of the old tips, just to be sure you know them:
Before we go there, let's take a quick look at how we define success because this is important. Everyone has their own idea of what success means and for me, true success goes beyond the individual and into the greater good. So what I'm talking about when I use the word success is doing something that empowers you to share your unique and amazing gifts with the world in a way that inspires more goodness for us all.
This doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering or mind-blowing. For instance, changing your eating from unhealthy to healthy achieves the kind of success I'm talking about. So don't panic!
REBOOTING YOUR RESOLUTION
To reboot your new year's resolution, start by looking at it in a new way. What made you choose the resolution you chose? Why does it matter to you? How will it positively change things? And how are you relating to it? Let's dive in and get a handle on what it means to reboot your resolution for success.
1. STRONG DESIRE: The strength of your desire determines your success.
Make sure your resolution—or goal—is something you truly have a strong desire to accomplish. This must be something you really want for yourself and your life. Because if you don't or you just aren't that excited about it, chances are you won't be successful.
Consider this: how excited are you about having an organized closet? Is that just a task you've been dreading or is it something you really want to do? If you really want it, why? What's beneath your desire for an organized closet? Keep digging until you find the real motivation behind your goal. If it's not something you get emotional about, you haven't found it yet.
2. STRONG DEVOTION: The strength of your devotion determines your success.
Most people talk about commitment, dedication or discipline, but I'm talking about devotion because when you are devoted to something, you are passionate about it! Most of us are devoted to something. What are you devoted to? What do you do on a regular basis?
If you are engaging in an activity on a regular basis, you can say you are devoted to it. It's usually something that is our habit and many of our habits don't serve us. I know people who are devoted to things like sweets, sex, porn, drugs, alcohol, internet, and late-night binge eating...all ego drives and desires. We'll tackle this next.
But for now, check yourself—does what you are devoted to serve you? What would you like to devote yourself to instead? What could you devote yourself to that would uplift and elevate your life? That's something worth devoting to, as we see next.
3. STRONG ENERGY: The strength of your energy determines your success.
Now I'm going to share a little secret with you: It takes energy to change things. It even takes energy to think about changing things! So where is your energy going? If your energy is tangled up in old habits that don't serve you—thoughts, feelings, actions—you don't have the energy you need to do something different.
And here's the kicker—most of us habitually do what doesn't serve us because we feed all our energy to the drives and desires of the ego rather than those of our Highest Self. The ego either grasps for or pushes away from things out of fear, and even though fear is a powerful motivator, it doesn't get us very far.
Rebooting your resolution means learning to serve the drives and desires of your Soul above those of your ego. And the Soul's greatest drive and desire is to evolve. The Soul longs to elevate out of fear and closer to its true nature of love. For that to happen, you must use more of your energy in service to your Soul (or Higher Self) than to your ego. As important as this is, the next tip I give you is most important of all...
4. STRONG WILL: The strength of your will determines your success.
Ask anyone who invented something new or created something amazing and they will share stories of all the ups, downs, pitfalls and failed attempts they had before they were successful. It's just the nature of the beast! As Human beings, we are always on a learning curve, working our way toward mastery.
Even one of the most enlightened masters, Jesus Christ, had moments of weakness where he slipped off his intended path. It's okay! But every time you pick yourself up and start again, you are one step closer to success, and that is key.
Success takes a strong willingness to get yourself back on track and keep going every time you wobble, fall or fail. That is the true practice—starting again rather than giving up.
SIGNS OF PROGRESS
I've learned that we get what we want when we are truly ready to embrace and honor it, and not a moment before. As you move forward with your resolution, you will begin to notice signs that things are changing. And others will notice too.
Success usually isn't a steady upward ascension; instead it's more like a staircase where each successful step leads to the next obstacle to master. But every step you take and each obstacle you master means you are inching closer and closer to success. And when you are ready inside and out to fully embrace, honor and hold your resolution with integrity, you will be successful!
RELEASING OLD RESOLUTIONS
Now that you are clear on what you want to change and how to change it, it's important to release yourself from old resolutions or goals that you no longer want or that don't have a strong pull for you anymore. You are an evolving, dynamic creature and as such, what you want can change. But every time you think you want something, the idea of it lives somewhere in your psyche, holding a thread of your energy until you release it.
Consciously releasing old resolutions can give you the extra boost of energy you need to be more successful with your new one. Release them with love and gratitude for whatever they brought you, knowing you can reclaim them if ever you choose to in the future.
Join me in dissecting the wild and crazy ride of being a living, breathing, feeling, thinking human. "Like" if you do and share if you want.